The Ruminations of a 22 year old Fogey
excuse me, dear readers, as this blog takes a turn down the nostalgic ruminations of a 22 year old fogey.
i'm only 22 and i feel old. not old in a "fine wine" kind of way, but in a "piece of leather that's been beaten, aged and weathered" kind of way. i feel like i've just blinked, and just like that, i've gone from being a punk 18 year old (not in the Sum41 kind of way, but the immature 18 year old male kind of way) and four years later, i'm a 22 year old with responsibilities and lots of things to think about (although, i'm probably still pretty immature -- i won't give myself too much credit!).
oac/first year seems so long ago.
for some of my more mature readers, you probably feel incredulous. you might even shake your head a little and chuckle, thinking "wait till he finds out." you have every right to feel that way. i'm being dramatic, right?
but it still seems to me that life just keeps truckin' on by, whether we're ready/prepared/expecting it to or not. sometimes i just wish life would just slow down a little and let me catch up.
or, at the very least, let me enjoy it just a little longer.
having said that, i can't even really look down the line and see myself as an 80 year old. or a 50 year old. or even a 40 year old. i can't go back, but i don't really want to move forward. it's like i'm stuck in between. like a wise woman once said: "i'm not a girl, not yet a woman" (replace girl/woman with teenager/grown-up)
...
...
ok, full out jokes there. i can't believe i just referenced Britney-oops!-i-did-it-again-Spears of all people as a bastion of wisdom. i've hit a new low.
anyway, to be honest, i'm kind of dreading the rest of my life. and for all the hooplah about life being an adventure, living the abundant life and going out to "change the world", there's always that nagging fear in the back of my mind. it's not a fear of big decisions, obstacles, hardships or even the unknown. it's more the sense that a big truckload of obligations, responsibilities, burdens and expectations is waiting to be dumped onto my shoulders the moment the diploma hits my palm and i'm hurried off that stage.
sometimes i just feel tired of having to be "this and that" for other people. the passionate one. the visionary one. the wise one. the funny one. the serious one. the goofy one. the _________ one. it's not like the way i act, or the decisions i make are dependent upon what other people expect me to do. indeed, i have the type of personality that wants to do just the opposite (which is also not a healthy attitude).
it's just that the expectations weary me.
and even as i write this, i know that i what i truly desire is not really escape that i write about; rather, what i desire is rest.
DLu.
PS: so i realize that there wasn't too much "nostalgia" in there per se, but there sure was a lot of nostalgicizing going on in my head.
plus, i tried to upload photos, but it mr. blogger appears to hate my pics.
i'm only 22 and i feel old. not old in a "fine wine" kind of way, but in a "piece of leather that's been beaten, aged and weathered" kind of way. i feel like i've just blinked, and just like that, i've gone from being a punk 18 year old (not in the Sum41 kind of way, but the immature 18 year old male kind of way) and four years later, i'm a 22 year old with responsibilities and lots of things to think about (although, i'm probably still pretty immature -- i won't give myself too much credit!).
oac/first year seems so long ago.
for some of my more mature readers, you probably feel incredulous. you might even shake your head a little and chuckle, thinking "wait till he finds out." you have every right to feel that way. i'm being dramatic, right?
but it still seems to me that life just keeps truckin' on by, whether we're ready/prepared/expecting it to or not. sometimes i just wish life would just slow down a little and let me catch up.
or, at the very least, let me enjoy it just a little longer.
having said that, i can't even really look down the line and see myself as an 80 year old. or a 50 year old. or even a 40 year old. i can't go back, but i don't really want to move forward. it's like i'm stuck in between. like a wise woman once said: "i'm not a girl, not yet a woman" (replace girl/woman with teenager/grown-up)
...
...
ok, full out jokes there. i can't believe i just referenced Britney-oops!-i-did-it-again-Spears of all people as a bastion of wisdom. i've hit a new low.
anyway, to be honest, i'm kind of dreading the rest of my life. and for all the hooplah about life being an adventure, living the abundant life and going out to "change the world", there's always that nagging fear in the back of my mind. it's not a fear of big decisions, obstacles, hardships or even the unknown. it's more the sense that a big truckload of obligations, responsibilities, burdens and expectations is waiting to be dumped onto my shoulders the moment the diploma hits my palm and i'm hurried off that stage.
sometimes i just feel tired of having to be "this and that" for other people. the passionate one. the visionary one. the wise one. the funny one. the serious one. the goofy one. the _________ one. it's not like the way i act, or the decisions i make are dependent upon what other people expect me to do. indeed, i have the type of personality that wants to do just the opposite (which is also not a healthy attitude).
it's just that the expectations weary me.
and even as i write this, i know that i what i truly desire is not really escape that i write about; rather, what i desire is rest.
DLu.
PS: so i realize that there wasn't too much "nostalgia" in there per se, but there sure was a lot of nostalgicizing going on in my head.
plus, i tried to upload photos, but it mr. blogger appears to hate my pics.
posted by It's My DLu! at
11:14 p.m.
7 Comments:
DLu,
Here's a shout out from the US for you!
I have often experienced feelings like you describe. Although, I would like to add something to that. I have experienced the times of extreme busyness and wished for it to all slow down so that I could enjoy it. Lately though, I have found that even when things have slowed down and God has seemingly taken everything away then it is still hard to step back to enjoy it. Instead I fill my mind with thoughts of the past, with the what-if's of life, and with a search for adventure in the future.
The solution? Full out surrender and contentment in God. Sounds cliche, and how to live that is still beyond me. But relying on His strength we can seek to bring Him glory through the process.
Jeff Z.
--------
"Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing, but to turn it into glory." - William Barclay
By
Anonymous, At
March 24, 2006 4:31 a.m.
ohhhh, all i can say right now is that this blog is soooo Darren! i'm not in a very philosophical mood tonite so sorry, no comments on what you wrote. maybe next time
By
Anonymous, At
March 24, 2006 12:28 p.m.
wai waiiiiiii!?!?!?
"i'm only 22 and i feel old. not old in a "fine wine" kind of way, but in a "piece of leather that's been beaten, aged and weathered" kind of way."
i'm sorry, but i am laughing at you.
ahahahahahahhaahahahha.
that came across mean. but, really...i'm laughing. on a scale of how funny this is, i'd have to put it up there with "baboon in heat" / scatty girl / YOOOOOOOOOW / CT girl / "today is FUUUUN daaaay!" / ahAHahAHahAHahAHah...Jesus love you, OKAY!?!?! / shhh!!! wait...quiet...!! *gasp* it's a...oh...nevermind, haha, it's a plastic bag /
i think you get the point.
anyway, i feel like a jerk now since your post, while written wittily, was meant to be reflective and or nostalgic.
but not so much like a jerk that i've stopped laughing...hahaha...anyway, you probably feel like "a 'piece of leather that's been beaten, aged and weathered' kind of way" because you're OBESE. it's true. fat people age faster and feel older. because they're too fat to enjoy lufe, so life seems like this SSSTTTTRRRIIIIIINNNNGGG of time in which they fill with the pleasures of food.
dude, the tuna and terriyaki can't have been good for you either.
btw...as IF you referred to Britney-"I'm-a-Christian-and-I-believe-in-the-sanctity-of-marriage-but-don't-mind-my annulment-and-I-intend-on-remaining-a-virgin-until-I-get-married" Spears.
weee weee WEEEE WEEEE WEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
so um...yea...*pats you on the shoulder with my personalized chillun stick*...i can relate to how you're feeling about dreading the rest of life and the weight of life and responsibilities and expectations being piled on your back.
OH YEAA!!! GUESS WHO I SAW?!!?
here's a clue:
"have you ever been to China?"
"NO. have YOU?....excuse me while i try and put my scarf on against the wind...again and again and again and again...today is FUN DAY!!!!"
hahah...JOOOOOKES! i didn't see her. i don't think i remember what she looks like. just a crazy old lady, but that describes so many people.
so um, yea.
HAH!
i'll end here, as i'm clearly ruining your comments box...
By
beatrice_milk, At
March 24, 2006 3:18 p.m.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
By
beatrice_milk, At
March 24, 2006 3:51 p.m.
haha,
i have the power here MiLk!!!
DLu.
By
It's My DLu!, At
March 24, 2006 5:17 p.m.
i hear ya dude. truth is, we'll never stop labouring and feeling like worn out socks until we see Him face to face. which is a relief because it'll end, but annoying because there's waiting involved.
and britney spears? oh man. new low indeed. :o) lol.
By
deb, At
March 25, 2006 3:03 a.m.
shanny: it's good to hear from you. unfortunately, i don't have plans at this point to stay in bc after coming back :( when's the next time you and brink are coming to ON? do you have a blog now?
Jeff Z: thanks for the encouragement bro. i appreciate it. it's good to know you care, even though i purposely skipped that social. if i haven't said sorry before: sorry! ;)
mIlK: you're a jerk. hahaha.
deb: it's true. i guess i can't be effective in the battle, if i'm always wanting to escape it eh? this is what we were made for.
warren: haha, thanks dude, definitly appreciated the, uh ... uplifting words. haha.
By
It's My DLu!, At
March 28, 2006 12:00 a.m.
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